We started this game many years ago. Another sort of silent game, if you will.
We were in Naples less than a week before he died- so around eight weeks ago now- yet I remember the image in my head as if it were yesterday. We were driving back from our airboat ride and crocodile excursion.. I barely made it through because I was feeling so ill. I quickly decided he needed to take me to urgent care because I never felt this type of pain in my chest before. Not chest pain, but pain in my chest. I knew something wasn’t right. The boys were quiet, the music was on, Matt and I both had our eyes peeled for the closest urgent care. It was early afternoon and hot. Scorching hot. I go to ‘turn up the music’ as he was driving while simultaneously upping the dial on the heat on his side of the car- but just a little so he wouldn’t notice. He continued driving, ‘I turned up the music’ a little more.. upped the dial on the heat. I think I did this three times without notice. I slipped my hand onto the seat warmer button, turned it on high. All so sneakily so I wouldn’t get caught. Before I knew it, I saw sweat beading on his forehead. I had his heat set on 92*. This poor man was anxiously trying to get me to urgent care to get relief from what turned out to be Influenza A- and I’m sitting there turning the heat on full blast- all while mine is on a brisk 68* to try and relieve myself of the fever I had. Boy was he mad when he noticed lol you know that ‘I’m so mad’ but I’m laughing, laugh- that was him lol. I’ve been giggling all morning picturing his beady forehead. Poor guy lol. In my most mature voice I’m saying now, ‘you started it’ as he would always do that to me. I’d have the same ‘I’m so mad’ while laughing, laugh. It was the worst! And best at the same time.
Our children’s ‘Uncle,’ who was Matt’s down-for-life best friend and Michael’s namesake, planned a camping trip for me and the boys for Father’s Day. He thought it’d be best to have us away from home for the night and wanted all of our children (including his other down-for-life best friends family) to spend time together. Start a new tradition. Give the boys some extra love. Strengthen the bonds between our kids and us, alike. Distract us from a day that was sure to bring pain. We had the best time. There were hayrides. Fishing. Great food. Frisbee throwing. Glow sticks. A swing that fit most of the kids at the same time. A camp fire with s’mores. Tent camping in what felt like sub-zero temperatures (dramatic- but felt that way). A breakfast recipe coined the ‘CalGriddle’ after a mishap with two recipes accidentally turning into one. Two hours of actual sleep. Big snuggles with my boys. The perfect way to keep our minds off of the inevitable sadness of Father’s Day.
Needless to say, when we got home yesterday, we were extremely tired. Cranky. Nothing seemed to go right. We were going to get helium balloons to send them up to Daddy in heaven- except apparently helium shortage is still a thing. I failed miserably at installing Minecraft on my son’s computer. There were tears. Tiredness. Sadness. Frustration.. until we got in the car to head to the store. It was a cool day- but was so hot in my car. I felt like the back of my body was burning.. and I mean that quite literally. I checked the temp outside on my watch, it read 70* or close. I knew I parked the car in the sun before we left, but halfway to the store, I figured it would’ve cooled off already. I knew I didn’t get a sunburn from the weekend. I wasn’t anxious. Then I reached down and noticed the seat warmer button was switched on. I did that ‘mad laugh’ thing that we always did. Said, ‘Happy Father’s Day, Daddy’ aloud. It brought so much comfort to know he’s still playing games with me, even now.
On a day where I missed the three men in my life the most- my Father in Law, my Dad, and my Husband.. I found a moment of pure, inexplicable joy. A ‘hug’ for me wrapped in the seat of my car. It was just what I needed to turn my sorrow into a smile.
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