A couple weeks ago, I was looking at my Timehop App and saw pictures of my oldest and middle son’s playing baseball last year. Saw their coaches, who happen to be close friends of ours, saw Matt’s best friend after he bought his son and my youngest an ice cream cone. I was there, I took the photos, but I have zero recollection of any of it.
A couple months ago, someone asked me how old I was. I was startled, truly startled, when I said 37. I didn’t remember my birthday came and went and I was no longer 36. Now I’m nearing 38… but how?
I see people around town who talk to me as though we’ve had conversations before… and though I’m sure we have, I have no memory of it.
It’s a really unsettling feeling to realize how much time has past and how much of it is unaccounted for. Was I present with my kids? I hope so. Was I living? I thought so.
I know at this point I am absorbing most of what comes in. I make a conscious effort to listen, process, and retain. However, having almost complete amnesia of nearly a year of my life makes me really sad. So many around me have commented on how big the boys have gotten and how much they’ve changed, physically. The scary part is I see it, too. I notice the changes every day. They look bigger and more grown up to me, too. Sometimes I just stare in awe, especially because I see so much of Matt in them. But haven't I been looking into their teary eyes for over a year almost 24/7? I know I have been, but I forgot what their childlike innocence looks like because we’ve all had to grow so much, so fast. We were in survival mode. Sink or swim. Time stops for no one.
For months I would say to friends, ‘I was in a cloud, please refresh my memory of…’ I was aware it was happening, but recently the reality of it hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe this realization will be helpful moving forward to be more in tuned to the now.
My Dad has been gone almost 3 years, yet I can hear him saying, ‘you only get this day once, don’t waste it.’
Keep going. Tune in. Stay tuned.
Comments