Daddy,
In a million years, I could’ve never imagined we’d be ‘celebrating’ your birthday without you. We got helium balloons to send up to heaven, because even still, I know you’ll be having a party up there.
We've come a long way in 5+ months. It’s amazing when time stops and your world is flipped upsidown, how you start to pay attention to every little thing. In the times when it feels like we’re stunted in our grief, I’m able to reflect and remind myself that hard times still contain growth and movement. Hitting road bumps proves we’re moving forward. I’ve realized the pace isn’t as important as the direction.
It’s the little things I’ve become aware of recently…
• I'm not having to have music on all the time anymore. I’m feeling more comfortable in the quiet.
• I’m feeling more comfortable walking into a room alone. I don’t like it and wouldn’t choose it, but it’s not as daunting as it was in the months past.
• We notice the clouds and how often they look like waves in the ocean and we reminisce about the beach and Naples. We notice the sunsets. The stars. The natural beauty that exists, yet goes unnoticed when you’re not paying attention.
• We talk about you, laugh about you, and/or cry about you every single day. The pain isn’t as jolting because it’s become such a normal part of my every day life.
• I've retired my salon business after 17 years to pursue a position and career I can only imagine you facilitated from up there. I am challenged and using my mind and creativity in ways I never have. I have been welcomed with open arms and treated as family from the moment I walked through the door.
• I have witnessed some of the most caring, genuine, and selfless people who have followed our journey from May 1 until now… caring for me and the boys in a way that inspires me to be better and do more in others’ time of need. So many people have shown up for us in big ways and little to assure me that there is so much good in a world that doesn’t always look so pretty.
As sad as I am to have this appreciation, experiences, and opportunities without you, I am also happy. Happy to have these experiences and opportunities and appreciate them in a way I couldn’t have before. I’m happy to grow, to evolve, to decide who I am and who I want to be in this next chapter of my life. It’s not always easy or happy and not the normal we’re used to, but we’re doing it. I feel confident in saying that we will be okay.
You and I are still connected the way we have always been- just not in physical form. I hear you. I can feel your energy and love. You give me the strength to move forward, to have confidence that I’m raising our children right, and the knowingness that someday we will be together again- one day, in some way.
Happy Heavenly Birthday to you, my love. I hope tomorrow you can enjoy a Truth IPA and that the Brown’s bring home a W for you.
I love you always and forever and never ever never.
Mommy
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