I didn’t grow up wanting a big career or to have fancy things.. I didn’t dream of my wedding as many young girls do- I just knew my life’s purpose was to be a wife and a Mom. That’s all I ever wanted. I loved being Matt’s wife. I was proud to stand beside him. I liked who I was when I became Heather Moxley and left Smith behind. I grew into my new name as I grew into being a wife and eventually a mother. I had the confidence of him always standing beside me and encouraging me to be better than I was the day before. I had the comfort of never walking into a room alone. The assurance of my ‘forever date.’ The contentment and knowingness that at any given time in our life together, he loved me exactly where I was, for who I was- faults and all.
It’s a strange thing to be thirty something and have to discover who I am as Heather Moxley, widow. No longer defined as ‘Matt’s wife’ or ‘Matt and Heather’. It’s just me now. Single rider.
There are parts of that that are overwhelming, there are things about myself I’m learning, there are qualities of mine that surprise the hell out of me. Who we become when we have no other choice but to realize who we actually are without being defined by who’s standing beside us- to realize our potential and our capabilities, our strengths from within.. it’s a powerful thing. I loved who I was with him.. now I’m learning to love who I am on my own.
I fixed the Roombot vacuum now twice- by myself. I bought a new lamp and assembled it successfully, on my own. I know how to charge each and every one of the boys’ gadgets or go carts. I’ve redesigned the landscape of my yard and I get to watch everything I’ve planted grow and come to life. I’ve discovered how much I love to write. I’ve recognized how private Matt had always been and how freeing it is to share our story because it’s one worth telling. I’ve learned it’s healthy and okay to say no without an excuse or an explanation. I’ve learned the necessity of boundaries. I’ve realized it’s really important to be strong, but it’s equally as brave to gift myself grace, patience, and time to figure out what this next chapter will look like for us, without guilt. I’ve learned to cry when I need to instead of holding back tears. As a textbook type A, I’m loving not having a plan. For the first time in my life, I’m going day by day figuring out how I feel and what I need instead of trying to plan every part of my life.
I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m happy to say I’ve come a long way already.
The tug and pull on my heart strings: I miss him every minute of every day- I miss being ‘his’ and having him beside me, always.. AND.. I’m loving learning the parts of me that I’ve never really discovered until I was faced with no other choice.
‘The greatest growth comes from the deepest pain.’ It’s something I’ve always said and didn’t know how true it was until now.
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