‘I Feel Home’ by O.A.R. was one of Matt’s favorite songs as it was a tribute to his two down for life best friends. Every time it played, he’d say, ‘this is my song for Mike and Scott.’ He never shared that with them, but they know now.
We had our adults only ‘Hocking Hills’ camping trip this weekend and this song became my anthem for how I felt about the friends I shared this ‘first’ with. Every day I have a new ‘first’ of some sort, but this might have been the biggest to date.
When we arrived, I got out of the car and walked straight to the cliff that overlooks the river. I saw a hawk fly from one side to the other, wings spread wide. A hawk has always been a sign from my Dad. I knew in that moment that no matter what the weekend had in store for me, I would be okay.
It was raining so a few of us stood under the pop up tent as tears rolled down my face. No one said a word… they quietly let me have my moment. In my mind, I picture an outdoor bubble of love and empathy that was created not just for me, but for all of us. It’s the best way I can describe something that can’t be seen. We were all hurting, yet felt comfortable enough not to hide it… to note, we also felt comfortable smiling. We could be whatever we needed to be, together.
As a whole, we debated canceling this trip because the common fear was the pain that would accompany us. Collectively, we decided crying together at the river would be better than crying apart if we didn’t go. I’m so glad we went. This experience elevated our bond to a whole other level.
The drive down with my best friend may have been a little quieter than in years past. I think we were both anxious of what we might feel when we got there. Some of us went Friday, some Saturday. It was so important for all of us to have this ‘first’ together.. possibly even more so, the weight of importance to our camping crew to not let me have this ‘first’ alone.
To honor our friend and my husband, my sweet and thoughtful girlfriend made an eco-friendly wreath to let go in the river. I brought some of his ashes to travel alongside as this place held such a large space in Matt’s heart. 15 of us stood in the river, tears flowing like the water, in quiet moments that forever changed us. Beauty and pain.
Each sad moment would come and go… in between there was a whole lot of laughter, a whole lot of love, and a lot of really good food. I haven’t laughed like that in months… the laugh until your cheeks hurt, laugh. It was so refreshing.
By choice, I drove home alone. I know how important that drive was to Matt and I. Uninterrupted time with your spouse or significant other can be hard to come by- I didn’t want to take that time from anyone… and maybe because Matt always drove on road trips, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it on my own. It’s safe to say I cried most of the way home. Like, music way up, ugly cry, crying. But that’s okay. Respectively, I haven’t had two hours of interrupted time with myself since he’s been gone, either. Children, laundry, yard work… the list goes on. Driving in my car being forced to face the pain- who knows, maybe that will bring some sort of healing tomorrow that I can’t feel today.
I felt home this weekend with my crew. Even though Matt wasn’t physically there, his legacy, memories, and love will be with us and in that river forever.
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