I haven’t written in a really long time. Following Matt’s passing, we were fortunate to have the gift of time. Four months, to be exact. I was able to write, to garden, to do everything and nothing at all with my children by my side. We had nowhere to be beyond baseball or football or the pool. We didn't rush home. We didn’t rush anywhere. We were able to grieve. To be together. To consume the love that so many had given so generously. To just be.
I didn’t realize until after I started my new career how affected I would be by seeing the reaction of those who’d read my blog the night before. As if I opened my soul and exposed every part of me. In reality, that’s exactly what I did. I felt so vulnerable- naked, even. A little embarrassed, if I’m being honest. It was easy to sit behind the screen and say anything that came to me without seeing anyone’s reaction. It was the most free to be exactly who I was in that moment I had ever felt. At that time, also, I was caring for the trauma my Son had experienced that crept up slowly but surely. It left little time to be alone with my thoughts, my writing, my healing.
The only pain deeper than losing my husband and best friend is the pain of watching our children ache and yearn for their Daddy. Their young, innocent minds trying to make sense of something that most assuredly will never make sense. The questions are constant. Ones that I mostly don’t have answers to. The thoughts are so big for such young minds. I’ve learned so much from them and thank God every day that I have three little reasons to ‘keep going.’
The question that resonates with me most is, ‘Mom, there are billions of people in the world… why did it have to be Daddy?’
It’s heavy. It’s a lot. The days have been long but the months have flown by. I’m grateful every day for the hundreds of times Matt told me I was the best Mom in the world. On the days where I'm not my best or lose my patience or yell more than I'd like to.. it's his faith in me as their Mom that whispers, ‘keep going.’
Whatever path you’re on … keep going. I’m right there beside you.
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