Our youngest son turns 3 on Sunday. He is blissfully unaware of what happened to him, to us. His young state of peaceful oblivion is what saved me these past near 5 months. He finds joy in everything and everyone. He has the ability to make me smile even when I cry. He gives the warmest and sweetest hugs. His innocence, laughter, and love give me the strength to move forward every day.
One day he’ll realize who is Daddy was… through my writing, through our memories and photos… I only hope I can do justice in describing the love Matt had for him. To Macon, Matt was his real life superhero- his Hulk Smash. What he doesn’t know is Macon was Matt’s real life superhero, too- his Batman. He loved and adored him, madly. We knew Macon would be our last baby, so Matt would snuggle him a little longer, protect him a little more, and love him the way only the youngest child is undoubtedly loved.
Matt was a known grump in the morning… the only exception was when Macon went in to wake him with a, ‘good morning, Hulk Smash.’ Matt would roll over and respond, ‘good morning, Batman.’ It was a beautiful thing to witness each day and the best way to start our mornings.
Yesterday after drop off, I was crying in the car. I was stopped at a light staring aimlessly out of the window when I noticed what looked like one glistening tear rolling down. It was as if my man was crying right there next to me and sharing in my pain. He’s always beside me, whether I see the signs or not- I can feel his presence. Yesterday I felt his sadness.
Between the four of us, it’s been a rough and painful Daddy week. Not too many highs- certainly a lot of lows. As always, we cry together, we laugh together, and we find the strength within each other to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward. I am grateful every day that Matt gave me these three beautiful boys who give me reason and purpose and the most important title I hold- Mommy.
Take the pictures. Cherish the moment. Hug your people every day.
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