Grateful and…

A long time ago I changed the phrase in my head from ‘I’m grateful but..’ to ‘I’m grateful and..’

I read a book referred to me by a dear friend/client called ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ by Louise Hay. It has the same concept as ‘The Secret’ …manifesting your thoughts/dreams into reality… but with a more holistic and spiritual vibe. It really changed my mindset to spin just about everything into a positive and also the imperative nature of gratitude. That’s when I decided I could be grateful AND…

This is a daily struggle for me. It’s a constant tug and pull on my heart strings. I’m grateful and angry. I’m grateful and sad. I’m grateful for the abundance of support but yearn to cry alone. I’m grateful we were in such a beautiful place in our marriage and I’m depressed we didn’t have more time to enjoy the story that was our life. I’m grateful he died without suffering and sickness and I’m traumatized by what I saw and experienced that day. I’m grateful our children have the memories they have with him and I’m shattered at the thought of all the things he’ll miss. I’m grateful for each and every card, post, text, donation, call, gift and I’m completely overwhelmed at the thought of writing thank you cards. I’m grateful we’ve raised such wonderful boys and I’m broken at how much they’ve had to grow up in the span of one month. I’m grateful I have friends that include us in their lives and cry that I’m now the single rider. I’m grateful the kids and I are back to sitting at the dinner table every night and I’m sad that his seat is empty. I’m grateful I have a career that I love and overwhelmed at the thought of going back to work and adding another to-do to my already full plate.

The list goes on for days. And days. And days. It’s utterly exhausting.

I do think it’s important to note that I do have moments of gratitude AND joy. I do laugh. I do smile. Lately it’s more forced as life, reality, and acceptance are sinking in, but it’s there. Glimmers of hope exist.

Gratitude isn’t just a part of me. It was part of us. Who we were together. It was rare there wasn’t a please or thank you from either of us. Even if we were mad at each other, we always said please and thank you. I think there’s part of the ego that softens a bit when you’re angry yet say, ‘thank you..’ also humility in saying, ‘please’ when the last thing you want to do is ask for help. Manners matter, always. In big ways and little. Being kind matters. We’ve always told our boys those two qualities will set you apart further than any 4.0 GPA or scoring the winning touchdown. It’s a life rule in our home. Manners and kindness.

They matter.

Fortunately and unfortunately, grief is a familiar road for me. I know I will be genuinely happy again. I know that though things are different, things will be okay. One day.

To leave with a laugh… we moved in together at 22. We shared everything… but this one is about toothpaste. We’ve never been the wasteful type, so we would squeeze out every last drop of toothpaste before getting a new one out of the closet. That’s true. What is also true is neither of us wanted to reach in the closet to grab the new toothpaste to replace the old. We were fiercely stubborn with things like this. It had caused a couple fights lol. Finally, at the ripe old age of 36.5, I came up with a brilliant ‘I’ll show you’ plan as I undoubtedly always got the new toothpaste out of the damn closet. I started using the new toothpaste and putting it right back in the closet. He, unknowingly, was fighting himself for at least 2 weeks. I’d watch the toothpaste tube we ‘shared’ become a sliver of what it once was. I’d laugh every morning and night wondering how bad he was mother f-ing me every time he brushed, as this was usually more of a silent fight 😂😂😂 I’d laugh quietly, for if he saw me giggle, he would know something was up.

The memory of the lightbulb turning on in his head when he realized there was no way I could possibly still be squeezing any remnants of toothpaste out of that tube… it’s one of the highlights of my life! I got him good. I outsmarted my human google. And we laughed and laughed and I’m still laughing about it … I believe my words through my giggles were, ‘got you good this time, fucker.’ He was speechless! We never got to finish the next tube of toothpaste together. If there’s a silver lining to his death, it’s that I won this one.. to quote his favorite saying, ‘you only remember the last winner.’ That was me. 👏🏼